Full Circle thing

Hey you guys, Gay City News did an interview with me last week about my new show at BAX. I'm so flattered and happy to have gotten such a serious interview. Woah. If you're reading this, I definitely want you to come to see my show. Please. For some reason I'm really stressing out about whether or not lots of people will come. I've been working on this show for a long time (beyond the last year of my residency) and I really want people to come see what I've been doing. It was at least a few years since I did a solo show before this one, and I don't know that I'll ever do anything else ever again. So. Please come!

I'm debating changing the ending every time I rehearse. But I can't trust myself.

I suppose I had as good a Friday night as one could expect. After work I ran home to get changed, then to the Paul Thek opening at the Leslie Lohman Museum. Which I absolutely adored. I must say, I didn't even go to the Whitney show for Paul Thek not even once. I understand that there were some valid critiques of that show, and the supposed erasure of Thek's queerness (community) from the show. I didn't see it, I didn't care to, so I don't know. I've always loved Paul Thek's work, and skipped the Whitney show because I guess I felt like I had kind of seen the greatest hits already?

The show at Leslie Lohmann is so cool! It's almost entirely work which has never been exhibited before, and it was cool to get to see more about the context he was making work in. Hanging out on the beach with his friend in the 1950s. Sort of a utopian vision. I was a little disoncerted that there weren't more younger people at the opening, but I guess I left sort of early. I saw young Anthony Thornton and Scotty Hugg, art bros that they be, holding court on my way out.

I hustled up the street to go see Marc Arthur's Mascot for the Dead, which I liked a lot. I saw a reading of the play a few months ago, and was pretty confused and even a little alienated by the work. Which I suppose was successful, and is not a criticism. I definitely had a totally different experience of the show this time. Getting to see the live painting, the choreography, the way the fullness of the work kind of came together was very exciting. I was really turned on by what I am imagining to me Marc Arthur's patience, his equanimity as a writer. I feel like with some people who are writers and work with performance (including yours truly) there is a kind of impulse towards showing off, in a way. Like, making a joke and letting you know that they know that they're really funny. It indicates, to me, an anxiety about being fully understood and fully loved. Which is an impossible thing. SO, it's really cool for me to see Marc Arthur's work, where he's really patient and slow and intentional about his writing. It's fiercely intelligent and very subtly funny, but pretty ego-less. There's no showing off. There's no time to show off, it wouldn't make sense in the show. And I just adore that. As chaotic and messy as the piece is with regard to certain visual motifs, it's very sparsely written, very clean. Bracing. It reminded me of reading a story by Colette where she said that after a big mean she didn't want to have coffee, and she didn't want to have sweets. She ached, instead, for a slice of lemon. I had that feeling; the thought of "Oh, that would never occur to me on my own but it is in its own way exactly perfect." I had a good time. I hightailed it back to Brooklyn to celebrate Miss Lola's birthday, with the kids. I drank some vodka and we all chatted about where are lives are. Lola is one of my favorite Aries ladies in the whole world. I sneaked out, exhausted, to get a sandwich and turned in early.

Saturday I did basically nothing, pretty much nothing, except went to get a haircut from William. I was so long overdue, it feels like I lost weight from my head. It's also freezing. But it does look good, so I'm glad I did it. I took naps at home and did a tiny bit of housework before going to the East Village to go-go dance at the SPANK party at Drom, which used to be Opaline, my first NYC haunt. Spank parties are always totally amazing, over the top and fun, and this one was no exception. I go-go danced with deer heart Nath Ann, and we donned crazy inflatable light-up flower costumes, threw garlands of fresh flowers into the crowd while Viva Ruiz gave a disco incantation, and got tied up onstage. I was, I have to admit, in a foul mood on Saturday, for no reason, so I think I didn't give my go-go dancing my all, but I would like to think I got into the spirit of it. I did have fun. Opaline was my favorite place ever when I was 19. I remember seeing punk guys in eyeliner go-go dancing, and thinking how cool that was. That that was a thing that you could do, like for a job. This is because at the time I was also getting super into Deee-Lite and Lady Kier had worked as a go-go dancer after college, and so it was in my mind. It was a sort of homecoming, for me, in a way. A Full Circle thing. Here's a fantastic video of Lady Kier performing at thee old Opaline, a criminally still-unreleased song:

Sunday I rehearsed, then came home, then went to go see Mariangela Lopez' show ta BAX. It was so beautiful! I had seen the beginnings of it at previous works in progress showings, but it was so gratifying to get to see it all put together. I really like getting to see something more than once, in different stages. I didn't think I would like it but I do, because I get a little bit of insight into the artist's imagination (or what I imagine it to be). Mari's piece, El Regresso was made in collaboration with her movement collective, including my dear old room mate Jaime. I really loved the way the piece balanced the impossible, vertiginous emotionality of the task (a solo performer returning to her body) with a kind of totally rational vitality. I loved seeing Mari explode, change her mind, come to conclusions. Can you dance through an emotional process? Probably not. Probably it's not a thing that can be done, really. I'm describing it poorly, but Mariangela did it, you guys. And it was great to see.

Last night I went to rehearsal in another bad mood and kind of phoned it in. I'm really worried but I don't know what I'm worried about. I read this article about 5 ways your brain is tricking you into feeling miserable. It's awful. it talks about how people who worry more (like me) don't actually get more done. It's a waste. Obviously I'm upset and freaked out about the bombing in Boston. Obviously worrying is sort of a waste of time.

I went to Earl's new party at Hotel Chantelle and hung out with Miss Khaela and Miss Melissa who I hadn't seen in a bit. I sang one song, my Laura Nyro cover, to an audience of about six people. It was fun, in that I sang good. But I was so tired. I'm always so tired. I'm in such a bummed-out mood, I feel pretty miserable. I wrote an e-mail to my mom saying that I felt miserable. This feels like the ultimate defeat. I read this New Yorker profile of Shulamith Firestone and it sort of implied that schizophrenia is a result of so-called "social defeat", or social/emotional isolation. It was scary for me to read, because I feel absolutely defeated, socially. I definitely feel lonely and alienated and isolated on the daily, and could easily end up destitute and insane. It was scary for me. But then I realized that Firestone didn't have the internet. Nowadays we don't go crazy, we just go online. You can't have a personality disorder, you think, if your personality is a machine.

Tonight I'm running some errands and them I'm going to the gym and I'm just running. And then, maybe, I get to sleep. 

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