Monday night B0DYH1GH performed, I think we did a pretty excellent set. Jason & Jill and the new band MESSS also did fantastic jobs. I definitely had too much fun and didn't sleep enough. Last night I went to Caroline's awesome Mindfulness Meditation class at the Spectrum. It's every Tuesday night and it's free (donation-based, please donate) and it's at a rad queer arts space near my house. Please see the FB Page for more info about the series HERE.

I forgot that this Saturday I'm going to see PLANNINGTOROCK at the DFA Records anniversary show. There are tons of really greta bands and DJs performing, but I only really care about PTR. She's maybe my favorite musician/band that's alive and making new music today? Is that creepy? I think she's performed in New York only one other time, in like 2007, which I missed.

MIsxgyny Drxp Dead - Planningtorock from planningtorock on Vimeo.

I forgot I bought tickets and I keep remembering and I'm so excited!

I keep running out of ways, it feels like, to express this feeling. I think maybe I'm scared to vent certain opinions because I think that if people knew I felt a certain way they wouldn't want to be my friend? So fascinated, still, with this idea of rage as a generative thing. I'm into this idea of righteous anger, anger that maybe looks like a smile, or sounds like a song. Some new name for a kind of energy, or something.

I'm really frustrated. I have a hard time thinking of why or how to express it. Is it okay to be a brat for a second? I wish things could alternately stay exactly the same as they were in the past, while, at the same time, allowing for the past to be totally destroyed. I want to own history and I want to be the only one who does!

I'm so tired of pretending that we are more noble and more complex and more fascinating than we really are. I'm becoming narcoleptic, having to wait for people to come around. For it to dawn on them the way it's been glaringly obvious to me. But you can't just tell a person: "you're acting this way because you feel sore about stuff that happened to you when you were a kid." People aren't equipped to hear that. Maybe I should become a psychoanalyst. I feel like I have no good ideas for music or performance or writing or being a person anymore and I want to cease existing. Nobunny cares. No records feel good to listen to, but I have to. At the gym, listen to music, because I can't deal with the radio station the gym owners play.

I wonder sometimes about this cool-kid thing. This attention thing. This myth that getting famous, getting paid will solve your problems or somehow make your "Real life" begin. That once you make it, things will be rosy. That's a fucking bummer. I don't know. Not that getting attention and success isn't great. Not that I don't ache for those things, too. Not that I don't ache to have a perfect life where I am adored by strangers, I do. I do want those things. But this idea that that (fame, attention, success, money, love) is what it would take for you to be happy, that's dangerous. Because that might not ever come. Or come in the way you want it to. Or, worse yet, it might come and then might leave, the way everything man-made does. Where would you be then?

I'm tired of feeling like a loser for not prioritizing those things, and I am tired of feeling like a loser when I do prioritize those things. I guess I'm tired of feeling like a loser. But it's ok to be a loser! That is my whole point. Maybe I'm tired of being tired. Going to see a show tonight which I'm quite excited about, so there's something to look forward to.

1 comment:

Anton Douglas said...

Most people live their lives in such a way as to never truly have that sense of satisfaction, to have that "I made it" moment. "If only I had this" or "When I hit this life goal my life will truly begin" By setting up these false goal postings in life, you're constantly forcing yourself to be in this weird place of longing.

I really enjoy your writing, Max. You have an intuition that is rare.