Much if Any Thing

I'm too old for this but I have a mysterious bruise on my right arm, on my bicep. I got too drunk this weekend and made some less than sound decisions including buying so many drinks for my friends and for myself. But it's okay.

I have so many things to work on! This is exciting, but also frustrating. I get vertigo so easily. I'm singing next week, then the week after that (twice) and doing all sort of shows around town in a number of different permutations. B0DYH1GH is performing a Tori Amos tribute concert on 8/18 at Joe's Pub. I'm performing on my Birthday 8/7 at the Pyramid Club. I'm excited but I feel so stressed out today.

Maybe I'm still hungover and just need to go to the gym. I feel like I'm reminding myself of some things I shouldn't have the luxury of forgetting. I'm mad at myself for getting so freaked out. And I'm mad at myself for not changing or being so radically different as to avoid falling into the same traps. I feel like, today, I'm stressed out about the same shit I always get stressed out about. I resent having to share stuff (love, attention) with other people. Even people I like. And I have a hard time taking responsibility. Like, I don't want to be held accountable for things that are out of my control. I get frustrated because I find myself apologizing for and agonizing over how to fix things that are totally outside of my purview. I wish I had a better sense of what's worth freaking out about, which is to say not much if any thing.

I keep thinking, you know, to try to remember not to worry so much. I probably told you this before. I never think that worrying is a worthwhile investment of time, and yet I habitually worry myself to the point of exhaustion. It's a way, I guess, of just not paying attention. Why make a decision when you can just agonize of making a decision. Right now I'm reading like four books simultaneously. I feel like this sums up my mental state. I'm not really invested in anything right now. I feel sort of rootless, and it's not uncomfortable. I was trying, over the weekend, to have roots or act like how I used to act when things felt more important. But I was just going through the motions. It's nice to swim. It's nice to breathe. I feel like: who can ask for more than that? Who needs to stay so connected, attached.

I did have fun this weekend, too. Not just drinking. I am a grown up. Friday I hung out with PLD and Sam and Paps and Lola, and Saturday I hung out with Jiddy, it was pretty great. Sunday I met up with Sam and Khaela at the Rusty Knot but to be honest I was too hungover to have much fun. I had a beer that they served with salt and lime juice and hot sauce. It was so disgusting. I loved it. I love disgusting snacks.

I have a lot on my plate. For this summer and for the next couple of months. It's a daily struggle not to get freaked out and shut down by things. Something feels "off". Maybe I need to sit down and meditate (definitely). I got this iPhone app that wakes me up at the optimal point in my sleep cycle, but that's almost always 20 minutes earlier than I need to wake up, so I end up snoozing and thus negating the whole point of the thing by waking up in the middle of a nasty dream. A happy dream.

I want to go grocery shopping and go to the gym and eat a salad and write my new stories for the zine (my zine and other people's), but I think I may end up watching more TV online. Ugh.

Maybe I just have a case of the Mondays! I've been listening to that Speedy Ortiz album Major Arcana a lot. What's a good new indie rock record with mean female voices? 

In the summer I get bummed out and stressed out and I only want to listen to Shannon Wright. 

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