Thump Day

It's been a minute since I played this game and have been really needing it, so: Y'KNOW WHAT I LOVE?

Savon de Marseille. French soap. I know it's kind of precious, but it's really good, basic, simple, pretty inexpensive, and because French soap is milled super-duper hard, as long as you keep it dry in between uses it can last for fucking ever. My first actual job was working at a gift shop / framing store, that sold lots of gargoyles and Pre de Provence, and I (very) slowly worked my way through their rainbow of flavors. I recently read a pretty cool interview with Comme des Garçons' Adrian Joffe on How to Spend It about his personal style, and talks about how he likes Savon de Marseille. I just got some, it's not mind blowing but it does feel good and I like the smell. Trying to enjoy, savor (or whatever) the feeling/concept of being clean. Also trying to enjoy simplicity. It feels luxurious in a way. I know how ridiculous and offensive that statement can be, I'm just saying. Anything that gets me excited to take a shower is pretty cool in my book.

- Italy Towels!

I think I mentioned these before. They're called Italy Towels but they're very Korean. I had no idea what they were until Susan aka Pash(ly) told me about these and had me bring her some when I went to Berlin this summer, since they're hard to find over there. Leave it to Miss Pash(ly) to have the skin game / beauty regimen on lock, right? These are insanely abrasive glove/towel cloths that you use to scrub dead skin off of you. It sounds basic, and maybe it is, but it feels so good to literally shred off the dead skin all over your body. Maybe this is gross? I feel like probably anyone reading this blog (given what I know about my friends) are into picking their noses, popping zits, plucking eyebrows, and other forms of low-level masochism/self-torture. So: get into it, girls. My personal hope is that with enough dedicated scrubbing, elbow grease, and steady access to Italy Towels, I can sort of scrub away or ameliorate my nasty farmer's tan. Wish me luck! Back to the shower.

- The Firms. The Firms is a music project by the NYC artist Logan S. I recently got a copy of his zine and a CD of songs by his band in the mail, and I'm so into it. You can hear some of the songs on his SoundCloud, below:

He notes about the songs: "All songs recorded in my childhood bedroom while my parents weren't home (2008-2009)." Totally GirlySound, right? They're sort of weird, sort of simple-sounding, at first. But are kind of epick once you get into the melodies. I'm such a sucker for low-fi bedroom recordings. The songs themselves are pretty gorgeous and funny and queer and endearing. It reminds me (I'm sorry to do this!) of early Bongwater or Sonic Youth. You know that feeling when you hear a song or see a movie or read a book or something, and you're like "Wow, I wish I had made that!" I don't mean this in a snobby way, I love these songs a lot I wish I was the person to think them up. But lucky me and lucky you we get to listen to them, which is maybe better. There's also a video for one of his songs, as well:

I feel like this kind of music and art is a balm against the toxic fake-culture of the VMAs. It's so refreshing to hear stuff that was made by someone who is not just trying to make a million bucks. Something that's more personal, or more intentional. More meaningful. I remember, listening to these songs, that this is really the type of music and culture that I like, that I want to consume, the world that I want to be part of. A world in which you can record songs in your childhood bedroom and take them seriously. In which you don't have to be a 20 year old starlet, bent on proving some kind of weird flat relativity. You can do what you know, or what your life is actually about, and it's usually more interesting, more honest, and just better to listen to. I'm trying to The Firms to play a show with B0DYH1GH in NYC soon, because B0DYH1GH is playing some pretty exciting shows soon. I think/hope. I wanna organize a cute queer creepy folk music festival. I feel like my whole life is just one long one of those.

- Speaking of cute creepy and queer, I'm really excited to be working on (seriously, this time) the new issue of Scorcher, #7: VALEDICTORIAN. I am editing the stories, I have some fantastic contributors, and I just made the cover, with a drawing from the lovely Julia Norton aka Miss Jiddy No-No aka Ewok Vixen. I'm really doing it, you guys. I swear.

- I know it's dorky, but I'm really curious about the new Nike x BLACK CdG shoes which come out next week:

I want these so bad. But do I $200 want them? I wish I was rich or had someone who liked to drop a lot of money on me, because I need new shoes. I always need new shoes. I'm horrible to my shoes. The other thing is the shoes come out the same day as the new Black CdG collection so maybe there's be some cute new Black frock I need instead. There should be a new sub-line. They had Black CdG, then Edited Black, then Black Black CdG, and now there's Noir Kei Ninomiya CdG. I want there to be a Black Black Black. I'm actually keeping track of all this. I don't know how/where it's going to serve me, but it's interesting and I'm interested.

- I got this cute SY hat for the winter. I feel like now's an appropriate time to wear it, given that the band is definitely broken up, and I'm definitely moving away (as we all must) from my own Sonic Youth, as it were. I feel like nobunny looks good in yellow, and I'm such a nobunny I will look good in yellow, too.

- Speaking of looking good, I'm so into this new interview with my favorite singer-songwriter-star Alexander Geist. Isn't She Lovely? I can't believe I've only seen Alexander perform once, in like... 2009? At the gay museum in Berlin. I wish Alexander would come to NYC and play my dream queermo festival with B0DYH1GH and The Firms. Would you buy a ticket to that? That would be fun. I miss Alexander. And lovely interview Candy is so cute as well of course.

- Oh my god you guys we can now listen to the entire album Run Fast by the The Julie Ruin. It's streamin gon NPR and it's so fucking great. Seriously. It's weird and intense and fun, like, poppy and joyful and energetic, but also so scary and sad (at times). At least lyrically. It's so grown-up. I mean that in a good way. As much love and respect as I have for play and for experimentation and for figuring out who you are or whatever, it's so refreshing to hear a record made by grown-ups, who don't necessarily sound like they're trying to prove their punk-rock credibility or something. It's just really smart, tactile songwriting. It's a joy. I can't wait for the actual album to be released so that I can listen to this at the gym all the time! I preordered the record, which comes out 9/2, and YOU SHOULD BUY IT TOO.

- This morning the commute was insane. The subway was super crowded with really angry people. Two things brough me solace; the sophomore albums by Earth and Mary J Blige, respectively. There's something a little bit more assured in both cases, and even though they're sonically pretty different (maybe they could not be more different?) they're really soothing and exciting in different ways and they both make me smile. They're also both my favorite records by both artists/bands. But maybe Earth or MJB will put out a record this fall that will become my favorite. The future's funny like that.

Isn it? Isn't it funny (and true) to think that, as much as you love the songs you know now, the odds are that you have yet to hear the song that will become your new favorite song? It's always just about to happen.

- I was talking with another person from the East Bay today about delicacies from Northern California, and was thinking about Mother's Circus Animal cookies. Do y'all know about these? These sort of ugly, nondescript shapes? These flavorless, waxy treasures? I love them so much. I wish I could find them in NYC. Are they even out here, and I'm just no looking? I'm kind of on a diet so I've beenm trying to ignore cookies for the moment, but I havd a real yen for these.

Maybe it's just because of they're color palette, which is the same as Good'n'Plenty, which I also love just for the color. I need to get cookies off my brain.

Excited to do chores and cook and go to the gym and work on the zine tonight. OK!


Never An Easy Thing

I didn't watch the VMAs, because I don't have cable and I don't care. I was talking with Bradford and Sam over beers at Metropolitan yesterday, saying that I didn't really have a horse in this race at the VMAs this year. Bradford was saying how there's always a few years, in your teens, when they seem really important, and then you stop watching them. That feels pretty accurate. I felt a little bit left out, but I got to catch up today. It sucks that you have to have cable to watch the VMAs, if they're so fucking important.

I woke up at 6am to go to the gym this morning and I watched recaps of the most memorable moments. I guess it all comes down to Miley, huh.

I had this thought when I was at the gym this morning, watching clips of the VMAs on the morning news, that I was probably up before most of the pop stars were. I wondered where Miley was sleeping. I wonder what Miley dreams of, after such a sensational performance.

I think what Miley Cyrus is doing these days is really interesting. I think the cynically well-crafted and prefabricated controversy surrounding her "twerking" schtick is exponentially more interesting, at least, than the pantomime psychodrama of Lady G**a's plumbing the depths of her supposed self for the sake of "art". People are upset by Miley and people are excited by Miley and they should be. That's actually more interesting and more important to people than someone with a lot of money and privilege just refining their self-image. I think Miley's work needs to happen right now and the conversation around it, why or why not it's okay to steal from Black culture, that's important. That's a real thing that's happening. Mx Justin Vivian Bond once said that every generation gets the pop star it deserves, and I'm inclined to agree. Miley is a product of the current moment. Miley is made possible by consumers like you. Vote with your money, right? I'm painfully aware of being on the wrong side of history here, but there's something kind of charming about the quest for the white girl soul singer, right? Is wanting it badly enough all it takes? This is pop Libertarianism. What is authenticity? What is just being yourself? I don't want to defend Miley because she can defend herself and it's indefensible, but there is something to be said for the artistic gesture here; highly stylized and yet guileless. It's not mock innocence, it's just misdirected.

And then this morning on the news, after Miley and the VMAs, it was news about Syria. What a strange time to be alive. I love my neighborhood but the time I love it the most is early in the morning, when I get up to go to the gym, or when I've stayed up all night (which rarely happens anymore). It's so quiet and peaceful then, only later do all the assholes come out of the woodwork.

What a strange and fun weekend. I've been working on the cabaret show Molly Pope and I are making for the Afterglow Festival in Provincetown next month. I'm super excited to be making this type of performance, and beyond excited that I get to make something with Molly (!!!) and that we get to perform it at the Afterglow festival. It's literally a dream come true. But, on point of fact, there's another thing going on here, with me, in doing this. I'm not a singer. I mean, I sing, as part of the performances I do, often in fact. I can sort of yelp along to tracks or whatever. I'm *really bad* at karaoke. I can't read music vocally. I've never trained as a singer at all. Working with the brilliant musical director, he would ask what key something should be in, and I don't really have a sense of what that means. Only a few times did I need him to actually sing a line so I could know what melody to sing. But I'm doing it.

I mean, I'm not very good, but I don't need to be. I just want to do my best. So I need to be a little bit better, and I will! It's really exciting and gratifying for me to get to make something that feels new and fresh, and in which I can't just rely on stuff I've done in the past. I like being outside of my comfort zone. I never in a million years thought my life would allow for this type of thing to happen, so I'm really grateful that it does. What a fantastically weird trip.

The world of MTV feels very far away. I know it's not, not really, but it's like radio airwaves, it's happening around us all the time but it's invisible. You have to tune in. You have to decide to listen, and I've been too busy, man.

What have I been too busy with? I've been too busy to listen to the radio or find out what the new hip songs are, because I'm so preoccupied with this feeling of deja vu. With this feeling of trying to get you to remember when we first met. Did you like me more when you knew me less? I wouldn't blame you if it were true. What a strange last few days, trying to tell you that I do, really, like you. That I am, really, attracted to you. I get the sense you don't believe me, maybe. It's hard. It's totally a show don't tell thing. It's a fun predicament, this trying to convince. And it doesn't cost me anything. I'm glad to do it. I believe that practicing, demonstrating, makes me better at it. Affection, a verb. Affect.

This morning at the gym I was listening to another white lady soul singer. This profoundly unhip song feels really right for me right now:


Ugly Fudges

So I have a new story, "KING" out in the new issue of Spunk (arts) Magazine. I'm really proud to be in such illustrious company! The zine is amazing:

You can buy your copy of the new issue HERE.

Oh, I forgot to mention, but Thank Goddess because there's a new installment of Saint Mx Justin Vivian Bond's legendary video news series, THE DRUNK NEWS:

I had such a great weekend hanging out with my friends and making jokes. I feel so lucky, sometimes, to get to be around the amazing people I'm around. Maybe it's a thing of being in New York. Maybe it's a thing of just feeling grateful, or whatever, but it feels like everyone I know was so on point this past weekend. I was like, laughing hysterically the whole time. Does that seem weird? It seems a little bit weird to me. I had so much fun. Friday night I did some chores and then hung out in the downstairs apartment with Teebs and Paps and PLD before going to a Beer Party at Dirty Looks curator and enftant fantastique Bradford's apartment. The last time I was at a party there someone spilled wine down my shoe (which totally forgot about until PLD helpfully reminded me that I blogged it). This time the party was much tamer and nobunny spilled anything that I can see. I saw so many fun and fancy people there and we made so many great jokes. Monica and Sam especially, and everyone. I left kind of early, it felt good.

Saturday I got some costume bits for the Tori tribute show we did, and we had B0DYH1GH band practice. We wrote a new song, but I think I may have forgotten it. Daniel wrote it on his way up the stairs from his apartment to my apartment, so maybe he remembers the riff. After practice we gatheredTeebs and Wilkes and Paps and her charming ManChild BoyMeat, who drove us all over to Bushwick to celebrate miss Jiddy No-No's birthday on her gigantic roof. The weather was gorgeous, there were so many really overwhelming and gluten-free snacks, and a huge pitcher of sangria which I basically parked myself beneath. Lots of deer friends whom I miss very much and always love to see. I literally almost peed my pants with Wilkes and Teebs and Chantal, poking fun at some of the craziness of some of the other party guests whom we did not know. I had the most fun. Too much fun. Really. Yikes. I went to Metropolitan afterward, because it was Gag! and Cameron's birthday. That was just ok. Sweetheart Ultimate Husband Material friend of mine told me I looked "out of it" which is probably putting it mildly. There were so many creeps! The dual themes of this weekend are that a) my friends are hilarious and I feel so lucky to have them and b) why is everyone such a creep, including me? I got into a fight at Metro, with someone I had had some ... contact... with, for some reason? And other people were creepy to me, I was a creep to other people.

After they closed the backyard patio, the tiny bar became unbearably crowded with thin white men in their early thirties, with messy hair, tank-tops and carefully groomed facial hair. PLD asked if it was just his eyesight or did everyone kind of look the same. Isn't there a Hole song about this? (SIDENOTE: I think I might be outgrowing Courtney Love). Yes, everyone looked the same, it was so scary! One of the clones, I swear to God, I do not know this guy, came up to me, gave me a really wet and ticklish kiss on the cheek (he had a mustache cookie duster), then said, as he passed "You're Welcome". I don't need that, guy. I don't like my cookies dusted. Not at all. Did the Saturday night ritual of getting a sandwich at Hana and passed out at a respectable but late hour.

Woke up Super Dupes Early to take our gear to dear heart Greg's house, since he lives right near Joe's Pub. I ate a pastry then came back to carry the amp (with greg's muscular help hubba hubba) to the venue, where we did sound check for the Tori show. Those other queens on the bill can sang. And they can play the fuck out of some piano! Man. They were all talking about how which song is in which key, and how Tori apparently likes to write songs in all these crazy keys. I took piano for a few years as a pre-teen and I had no clue what any of them were talking about! After sound check I went to the gym and listened to Bridget Everett and the Tender Moment's song "Titties" which really got me amped up for life. We went to the venue and did our show. It was a fantastic show! So, so many dear friends on the bill. I was in heaven. Miss Erin Markey said and I am apt to agree that it was like a high school reunion. Here's a picture of me and PLD playing "Past the Mission" in our sort of country-western / jazz / iggy pop interpretation:

Rode the train to work both yesterday and today with my bday twin and spirit animal and downstairs neighbor Paps. We were talking about how we can invent a more Californian (get it?) marketable calcium chew, to improve upon the ones already out there, which Paps referred to as "Ugly Fudges". She's right, right? I mean again, right?

CONFESSION: I used to totally gorge myself on these at my parents' house when i was in high school. I thought they would be better for me than real candy. They're not.

I want to come up with a less Ugly Fudge. A better for your bones, and better for your spirit fudge. Ask me how, I can't really post it here.

Tonight I'm going to a very special dinner, the dress code of which is "Summer in the Hamptons". But not, I'm told, like one specific summer. Rather, the dress code is "I spend every summer in the hamptons, doesn't everyone?" I already picked out my outfit. Before I left the house today. I feel really on it.


Butter Fingers

I've sure been dropping a lot of stuff lately. On Tuesday night I assembled my dresser, and on Wednesday night I decided to put it together. But the drawers would go in. I struggles and screamed and yelled and cried and really had a difficult time with it. I burst a blood vessel on my left eye. My lovely roommate Justin tried to help, but couldn't get the drawers in either, (because I had assembled it incirrectly). For one breif,, shining moment, I had the thought: "You know, if I had a boyfriend, I would have someone who I could ask to help me with this and I wouldn't feel bad about it." And I almost regretted my confirmed bachelorhood. But then I thought about it and I'm not entirely sure if having someone to help me install Ikea furniture is really a good enough reason to have a boyfriend. Is that what love is? Assistance? Help? Or is that just one small fringe bonus benefit of being in love? That sense of having a teammate, of not being alone? I think that feeling is a myth, a fantasy, a destructive one, as well. What's the point in being noble. Anyway, after literally hours of whining "What am I doing wrong?!" I reread the instructions, realized which part of the dresser I had installed backwards, fixed it, and put it together. I felt pretty fantastic, and cleaned up my messy room. I was going to reward myself with a big plate of watermelon, and as I was carrying it out of the kitchen, I accidentally dropped the plate, spilling all the fruit into the cat's food dish. I started laughing hysterically.

Yesterday I spilled my mug of tea at work, and then when I got home at night, I dropped a glass of sake I was drinking and it shattered. Today I spilled coffee down my pant leg at work. I wonder if I have some kind of creepy neurological disorder. I'm actually totally sober for all of this (minus the sake but I hadn't even had that much yet!)

I'm SUPER excited that B0DYH1GH is going to perform this Sunday at Joe's Pub for a tribute to Tori Amos, on the occasion of her 50th birthday party, in a fantastic event organized by Enid Ellen in RAISIN GIRL: with special guests Cole Escola, Nicholas Gorham, Erin Markey, Joseph Keckler, Dane Terry, Kim Smith, Dan Fishback, Natti Vogel, Brett Every and B0DYH1GH, Enid Ellen and Greg Potter want to pay tribute to the goddess, Tori Amos on the week of her 50th birthday. You can buy tickets to the show HERE.

Remember that video she made where she hangs out in New York with Pozsi and Gage and Juliana and Cunty Crawford?

I don't know what I'm going to do this weekend. Practice! Play this show! Hopefully not drop a whole bunch of other stuff. I need to get rid of a lot of books and CDs and clothes. If we're real life friends let me know if you want stuff, cuz I might give you a lot of stuff.

I have this urge, maybe it's from my birthday, to take all the posters, photos, mementos off of my walls. They're dusty, and old. I no longer want to be reminded of who I "am" or whatever. The disgusting faded crusty paint might look nice. Maybe.



I've long been obsessed with the Whale song "Four Big Speakers". I heard it on some CMJ sampler when I was in high school and always liked it. The official video is pretty boring, I don't know if I've ever watched it all the way through. I do know, though, that at some point in the last couple of years, I came across this video of a live performance of the song:

The whole point of the video, to my mind, is the blonde bewigged rapper on the right, and the fact that she's fucking glaring, pretty much the whole time, at lead singer Cia Berg. Who, I wondered, is she? She's credited only as Bus75. So let's talk about it, because I just started looking, last night. The rapper's name is Cream and she's fucking awesome.

She's probably best-known as a member of the Swedish hip-hop(-ish) band Addis Black Widow, which I didn't know about until last night. They're pretty fantastic, right?

In a sort of Euro-pop way. The mythology of the band is that they came from remote locales, and the co-vocalists Pigeon and Cream knew each other when they both lived in Oakland, then reunited in Sweden. Or maybe only Cream is from Oakland? But she's not from there, she just grew up there? I'm a little confused about it, and some of their Swedish fans are skeptical of the creation myth. Fascinating and fantastic is the fact that Cream is also queer (on which score the fans are somewhat less skeptical), so both she and pigeon sing about loving women, in a refreshing change of pace. The band's Wikipedia page refers to ABW as Queer Hip-Hop Pioneers, and I'm inclined to agree. How many queer Swedish rappers can you think of?

So funky and strange and refreshing. The songs are in English but are pretty much indecihperable. I think Cream is so rad.

This is mid-aughts and maybe I'm aging into a camp sensibility but I feel like it sort of presages the 1990s nostalgia that's metastasized over the last few years. There's a kind of horror or anxiety in the flattening of 90s culture, here. Maybe this is what it's like in Europe; things get put together, out of context. As an American, it's a little freaky. But it's exciting too.

She appears on another song by Whale, and while this track isn't as great, the video is pretty fantastic:

But what of Bus 75? Apparently Bus 75 was a side project featuring members of Addis Black Widow. They apparently only released one self-titled album, from which these two tracks are taken.

A different flavor. A little more butch, a little more American-sounding (or something). Cream is such a good rapper!

My understanding is that she left ABW in 2005 and is living in London. I'm desperate to find this Bus75 album. Who has it? Where is she now?


Looking Like a Lily on a Lake

I had the best birthday, really. Just so fantastic. I woke up on Wednesday and I opened some presents. I got a pair of sunglasses and a care package and some moolah from my parents. Ben made me a gorgeous outfit and mix and it was so sweet. I went to work and even though I desperately need to get back onto my summer diet, I bought a taro bun for breakfast. My coworkers threw me a nice surprise bday party with cake and champagne, I got a ton of well wishes from friends all over the world. After work I ate some food and met up with PLD and Sam and we went to the Pyramid Club for the BGSQD Fundraiser. It. Was. Amazing. I got introduced by Miss Penny Arcade, who relayed the story about when I told her that my seeing her at Ladyfest in Olympia in 2000 changed my life and made me want to be a performer. It was the sweetest introduction I could have hoped for. The crowd sang "Happy Birthday" to me, I asked for a drink onstage and I got one. I sang two songs, I think I probably did okay. SO many friends came! So many wonderful performances! Dan, Shane Shane, Colin, Nicholas, Gio, JVB, everybody, everything. Colin gave my a ring that was accidentally discarded at a party by a celebrity singer I very much admire. People bought be drinks and cigarettes. It was such a lovely, magickal evening. Really just the greatest, I feel so fucking lucky.

I took yesterday off work and woke up late. I was a little bit hungover but not as hungover as I thought I'd be. I'm switching back to gin officially. It doesn't make me feel so crazy. I had a leisurely breakfast and went uptown to the NYPL record sale at Lincoln Center. Apparently there was a huge fucking line to get in, which was a bummer, and I heard that all they had was classical, and not even very interesting classical. I did however run into Nath-Ann and Savannah and John outside the sale, which was a lovely surprise. We sat in Lincoln Center Plaza until security asked us to leave so we went to a bench but I continued my adventures. I went up to Zabar's to get gazpacho an coffee and ate it on a bench in the middle of Broadway, with the aging UWS residents. Totally blissed out. I went downtown to the CdG stores to finally check out the fall collections. I liked everything but I didn't buy anything! Feel really proud of my self-restraint. I wanted one of the pastel printed t-shirts from the Tree of Youth collection, but it was I must say trop cher. The pastel embroidered coats are gorgeous, maybe if I find them cheaper somewhere else some day. The red embroidered bolero jacket with little puff-ball fringe wasn't there, or I could have maybe justified spending more than two months rent on it. I saw the Noir Kei Ninomiya collection, which was fucking rad. I went to the Fluevog store to get myself some new shoes on sale, then came home to order bad Chinese food and take a nap. I woke up and went to go see the Julie Ruin at Union Pool. It. Was. Amazing. I can't wait to hear the new record! The new songs are so awesome. They sound really different than anything on the 1998 record, but still somehow feel like a logical progression of the themes there. It's sort of hip-hop, sort of new wave, really fantastic playing all around. They also played a handful of songs from that fateful original album, including "V.G.I." and "Breakout A-Town" which got a full-band treatment and were, like, incredible. It was such a fantastic show. I'm totally blown away. If you have the chance to see them on their upcoming tour, go go go.

Today I am working then going to the launch party for Spunk Magazine #9 which has a new story of mine in it. Tomorrow night Ms. Paps and I are having our official bday party at Happy Fun Hideaway. I just recently discovered this 80s act Captain Sensible, featuring Dolly Mixture. OK, it's corny or whatever, or dated. But I'm so obsessed. This is like my dream:

I feel pretty good today. TGIF.


New Moon

Tomorrow's my birthday. I'm performing at a benefit for the Bureau of General Services Queer Division at the Pyramid Club. Please come! And then on Saturday my birthday twin Jess Paps and I are going to have a bday party at a bar in Bushwick, let me know if you'd like to come to that I just don't want to post the address for some reason.

Been so down lately. Like so low down that really getting into it or writing about it is the last thing I want to do. Maybe that's what exactly I need to do. I feel like there's some really obvious mistake that I'm making, but I don't know what it is. Not yet.

Last night I performed at the Metropolitan for the HOT FRUIT party. There were actually a lot of people there for a Monday night! I saw Earl and Nath Ann and Ben and so many folks and Another birthday twin Brian Jogger came. I sang a cover of Huggy Bear's "Sizzlemeet" and a cover of Cocteau Twins "Iceblink Luck" and they sounded okay and I think I sang sort of bad, not the worst. I had a lot of fun. I think people liked it. Some people (a lot of people) left but a lot of people stayed and took photos or videos with their phones. I know it's maybe weird, but doing one-off nightclub performances of songs like that, a kind of funky punk cabaret thing that might not be so great or glamorous, is really fulfilling to me right now. It means a lot to get to do something that is not sexy or glamorous. I sound spoiled. Maybe I am spoiled, I think a lot of us are, let's talk about it, etc.

And tomorrow I'm playing a show too, singing a couple of songs. I feel excited. And Thursday I'm going to see the Julie Ruin perform at Union Pool. And Friday is the launch party for the new issue of SPUNK ARTS MAGAZINE. I have a new story in this zine, very different from anything I've written before. Maybe you'll like it, but you should DEFINITELY come to the launch party. The rest of the contributors are fucking amazing, I'm so gassed to be included among them, and there will be an art exhibit and a performance by AB Soto.

Saturday I'm going to have this birthday party with Miss Jess Paps and hopefully you, and I'm much excited about that as well. There's a lot to be excited about! I keep saying it.

Today is a New Moon. I think it worked, it's supposed to work. Something's supposed to happen. This is supposed to be good. I'm being a little indulgent and selfish. I canceled a very exciting meeting / hangout sesh tonight because I'm so exhausted I can't think straight. I'm starving. I want to go to bed early. I might smoke a cigarette. I want to, I don't know, check in. I want to start, get started. I think it's less a thing of new opportunities or more opportunities, but of course, in the attitude.

I wonder sometimes why we let ourselves off the hook, and I wonder sometimes why we let ourselves off our leashes. But then when I'm feeling low it seems like that was always the way to be. Like that's the natural part. What a weird trip to be on. Last year's birthday was pretty good. The one before that was alright. The one before THAT was pretty amazing, actually. They're all good. I'm glad to have them.


When You See A Chance To Get What You Deserve, You Take It

I've been feeling so down lately, really struggling to make sense of what feel like some difficult and majorly important things. And then to brighten everything up, The Blow's new single "Make it Up" is out!

I'm so fucking happy. This is my summer jam. I've seen them perform this song a couple times, and I (bragging) I'm fortunate enough to say that I've seen this song come into life, having taken a few different forms. This is the best form. I'm so into this. I feel like The Blow's music has so many times been a source of inspiration in terms of just dealing with shit. The songs are often about ordinary girls dealing with totally fucked up and insanely huge stakes. And they struggle and wrestle and make sense of the world and the Universe and they get on with their lives. I've often felt really encouraged by the messages, themes of the songs (and Khaela's performance art work), and the new song is also encouraging. Just in time! Make it up! It's the first song to be released from The Blow's forthcoming self-titled album, which is very exciting, and it's also the first recording that's been released since the brilliantly sharp-minded Melissa Dyne joined The Blow. All very exciting.

I feel a little bit more optimistic but I don't want to try to figure out why. i think it's because I canceled a sort of date (-ish) last night so I could get some sleep. I have no regrets. The night before, on Wednesday night, I had a bad dream. A dream so bad that I got really angry in the dream, and in fact became so enraged that I woke myself up at 3am and tossed and turned, unable to calm down and go back to sleep. What a monster I am, underneath my conscious mind. Do we have this in common? Sometimes I get so embarrassed by the idea that I might be a shitty person. I get so hung up on hiding the unsavory aspects of myself, I keep all this dark shit (ostensibly) at arm's length. It so rarely occurs to me that the bad shit, the dark shit, the nasty shameful things are things that we all have in common, things that could tie us together. And by nasty and dark shit I try to hide, I'm referring to, like, the need for love. I don't want anyone to know that I need that. I desperately want to keep that a secret, or deny it, but I think that maybe that's not quite the right approach.