When You See A Chance To Get What You Deserve, You Take It

I've been feeling so down lately, really struggling to make sense of what feel like some difficult and majorly important things. And then to brighten everything up, The Blow's new single "Make it Up" is out!

I'm so fucking happy. This is my summer jam. I've seen them perform this song a couple times, and I (bragging) I'm fortunate enough to say that I've seen this song come into life, having taken a few different forms. This is the best form. I'm so into this. I feel like The Blow's music has so many times been a source of inspiration in terms of just dealing with shit. The songs are often about ordinary girls dealing with totally fucked up and insanely huge stakes. And they struggle and wrestle and make sense of the world and the Universe and they get on with their lives. I've often felt really encouraged by the messages, themes of the songs (and Khaela's performance art work), and the new song is also encouraging. Just in time! Make it up! It's the first song to be released from The Blow's forthcoming self-titled album, which is very exciting, and it's also the first recording that's been released since the brilliantly sharp-minded Melissa Dyne joined The Blow. All very exciting.

I feel a little bit more optimistic but I don't want to try to figure out why. i think it's because I canceled a sort of date (-ish) last night so I could get some sleep. I have no regrets. The night before, on Wednesday night, I had a bad dream. A dream so bad that I got really angry in the dream, and in fact became so enraged that I woke myself up at 3am and tossed and turned, unable to calm down and go back to sleep. What a monster I am, underneath my conscious mind. Do we have this in common? Sometimes I get so embarrassed by the idea that I might be a shitty person. I get so hung up on hiding the unsavory aspects of myself, I keep all this dark shit (ostensibly) at arm's length. It so rarely occurs to me that the bad shit, the dark shit, the nasty shameful things are things that we all have in common, things that could tie us together. And by nasty and dark shit I try to hide, I'm referring to, like, the need for love. I don't want anyone to know that I need that. I desperately want to keep that a secret, or deny it, but I think that maybe that's not quite the right approach.

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