Right Down Here

Mars has been in Leo since the end of August and is going to be there until the middle of October. It's been great and horrible. Too hot, and I don't mean the temperature. I need to chill out. I've been mad all week. Monday, something dumb, the cost of repairing my fancy coat from moth bites, actually, seemed to set me off. Then it was everything. The fact that I need to clean my apartment, I was out of trash bags, I couldn't get anything to work. The train left right as I got to the platform. That kind of thing. I got into an argument today with a friend, which sucked. My parents are coming in two days. Bobo is in town. I am going to this wedding and I'm worried about what to wear. I have my show on Saturday. I'm really stressed out! I'm accidentally broke until payday, and the gym said I was past due and they need to charge me. They let me work out tonight through. So I have no money for a minute. I cooked dinner when I got home from the gym but found bugs in my bag of rice. I cooked the very end of my groceries. Sitting in bed eating, I saw another moth flying around my closet. I bought cedar things online and I also bought some in the store, which is foolish now that I know I'm broke but it's too late. But they're not working if there's still a moth around.There're a lot of things vying for my attention, it really sucks.

I hate being mad. I hate feeling angry. It's a thing about a thing. I wish I could stop it, could stop feeling bad and control my feelings. I was consciously thinking today to try not to worry so much. I have to remind myself about that. Does everybody have to remind themselves to do things like that?

Maybe everybody isn't plagued by insects and somehow unable to mobilize their feelings of frustration. No, probably everybody is more the same than different.

It's just so maddening. It can seem inconceivable one day. It can seem like: "Wow, I can't believe even considered that? How totally foreign from the mindset I know now. Who was that person, who could have such dark thoughts? I hope he never comes back, that's for sure!" And then at other times, even a day later, it's like this certainty. It can go from inconceivable to inevitable. I keep struggling to find the way to say it. Obviously. I keep not finding the right way to say it and it just makes everything worse, because then I'm not only wrong but stupid and wrong. I'm just trying to say it! I find myself like a sleepwalker and I wake up and I'm standing in the fireplace. What are you thinking?

We think, if only they understood me better. Then they'd see where I'm coming from. If only they understood me, understood my perspective. Then they'd agree with me. I know I've lived by any measure a really cushy life but there've been enough experiences to nurture a kind of pessimism in me. I do not have that faith that being more fully understood necessarily leads to connection, a deeper rapport. What if you understand my perspective and came to a radically different conclusion than I do? Was I wrong the whole time? Maybe the error is in the hope that if only you saw me for you I am, you would like me. That does seem to be misguided. After all, I know me the best, if not pretty well, and I wouldn't give myself a good review.

It's nice to think of the people we've loved and miss as being up in Heaven. As if by earning our love and the love of others, by leading good lives, they deserve to live in good graces, forever. They deserve to be angels and live with God in Heaven. It is a nice thought.