Nobody's Favorite

I didn't meditate this morning like I wanted to and now it's Tuesday and once again I'm feeling like Nobody's Favorite. Nobody's favorite person. Nobody's friend. An Artist Nobody Wants to Know More About. This is probably not true, it's probably just a feeling I'm having. Statistically, there must be someone out there whom would like me best. I guess I just don't know them yet. How sad to think I mayble already know them and have fucked it up. You know how Tuesdays are.

Yesterday on the street I saw an old friend of mine but we didn't say hello. I was dressed pretty ridiculously, I must say. Maybe he didn't recognize me. Neon (actually neon) green drop-crotch CdG pants and a SWANS t shirt and glasses and a hat. I felt cold. And bold. It's so funny, I'm too shy to say hello to someone who I've known for years, someone who I was once on "I love you" terms with. That seems too difficult, I was too shy, I couldn't do it. But walking around town in neon green low-crotch pants, looking very much like a literal clown, that feels fine. Well within my comfort zone, even. It was a really pretty and lazy day yesterday. I went to the gym, I went grocery shopping. I bought myself a shirt at a thrift store.

Took myself on a date to see La Naissance du jour last night at Film Forum. Part of a Jacques Demy festival I wish I had been more on it to know was happening. It was perfect. I thought I might be a little bit lonely at the movie. I invited a cute boy to go with me, but he declined. I wasn't too lonely. It was sort of fitting, though, right? I just recently read that book (Colette's Break of Day) last summer. It's about, i guess, being alone. Or, being alone with yourself. It was a gorgeous, but incredibly slow-moving film. Lotf os shots of Colette writing at her desk while speaking her internal monologue. "Death doesn't interest me." Colette writes, "Not even my own." It's nearly all internal action. She reproaches one of the other characters who suffers a kind of emtoional breakdown in front of her, summing her up with as a horsey-faced girl who smokes cheap tobacco and screams at her parents. Ouch. In another scene, Colette hosts a dinner party and when it ends early, the guests decide to hop into cars and go to a dance club. The bar is dingy and empty except for a few desultory same-sex couples. The dinner party crowd has a great time. Except, of course, for Colette, who sulks. Luckily she thought to bring her cat with her to the club. I loved it. It's not about resignation, really. More about knowing what you want. Or at least where you might look for what you want. Knowing what you do not want. I liked it a lot.

After the movie I came home and watched the Teena Marie episode of that "Unsung" TV show. It was amazing, and I only learned a few things I didn't already know about her. Here's a video of her singing "If I Were a Bell"

Pretty amazing, right? So much has been going on! But it feels like nothing important has been happening. What's new, pussycat? People are still trying to trick the world into loving them. I'm still convinced that no one likes me, that I have nothing to offer. That's not entirely true: I got invited to some things today, actually. There are some people who still want to be my friend! I have to try to remember that, I guess.

I'm sad because someone who was I was friends with in New York, though we weren't very close, passed away last week. And I just found out. I feel really sad about it, because he was a really sweet and talented person, and he definitely wanted to be my friend, and I liked him a lot but didn't give our friendship the chance it could have had to bloom. And I do regret that. I don't want to talk about it more than except to say that it is, you know, so important to tell the people you like how you feel about them. Or, fuck it, even if you don't like them? I think it's important to try to maximize our time together and be as honest and true to each other as we can. Because you never know. People get sick, accidents happen.

You know, to be fair. I'm not giving myself enough credit. There's a lot of nasty shit going down right now, and I'm continually surprised, today especially, at how I'm able to let shit roll off my back the way I wouldn't have been able to even a few short months ago. Let's be okay. It's hard to look at something as an opportunity to succceed, to enjoy life, instead of just an opportunity to fail. I'm really frustrated with a few things in my life right now. I wish things happened a bit more easily. I wish people could be nicer to me. I just want everything to be the same. I want everything to hurt the same amount, and to feel good to the same extent.

I've been seeing a lot of good shows lately. I'm playing a show tonight in Greenpoint, I'm excited about, at COCO66.

I'm tired of being the target, man.

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