What a truly awesome and insane weekend. I definitely learned a lot and it felt like my heart was growing so fast that it would explode. On Friday I went to sweet baby Cole's show at the Duplex. It was totally fantastic and deeply inspiring. I'm consistently impressed by the connections he makes, the totally fucked-up and weird places he decides to stick a landing. The places he decides to be really brave and to take a stand are nearly always surprising and fantastic. I felt actually honored to get to see his show. It had the energy of one of those mythic, legendary experiences you read about. A "you had to be there" thing. Like Bette at the Baths, right? That weird liminal sense of "Oh shit this is something that's only going to happen right now, so y'all had better fucking tune in and remember it." A real treat.

I feel like I'm getting sick. My sinuses, no, my throat. Is it from the radiator? I hate being uncomfortable. It's a typical thing, that thing of not getting mad at myself for being sick. I want to blame myself. My mattress, too, needs replacing. Already. I blame myself for these things. My body hurts, I can't think straight: it must be my fault.

My horoscopes (I check only Astrobarry and The Yaddoo) said that I needed to resist the urge to wallow in self-pity. It's tempting. I want very much to complain about feeling like a failure, left out. But I'm not gonna. I'm just going to complain about my physical condition right now. It sucks. I did a neti pot for the first time last night and it helped a lot. Kind of life-changing. So few things in life offer instant relief like that. Really. I'm being a little hyperbolic but only a little.

But you know, that advice was good. I saw so many really brilliant and smart people talk and present their work in the last week. One person, Kembra Pfahler, said how important it was to forge your own path-- not let someone style you. Do your own thing. I think that's good advice. I'm trying to find a mentor, or someone or some people who can give me advice. Essentially, I want to get out of my head a bit. I'm too familiar with my patterns of thought and feeling. I want to know how other people figure out how to do stuff. I'm not looking for outfit or art project ideas per se, I still want to do my own thing. I just want to hear how other people do their own things. How do you know when you're done editing. How do you know when to push through with an idea and when do abandon it?

How do you deal with feeling petty and competitive? How do you feel present in your own life? I feel silly, a little. This weekend was a Full Moon. Maybe that's why everything felt so crazy. A convenient excuse.

This thing, I want to say. this clarification of: I'm not fishing for compliments, I'm trying to drown myself.

A Diver’s Rise, and Swift Death, at the Limits of a Growing Sport

A kind of awful article on diving, death, and the Rapture of the Deep.


Tonight I'm going to go see Mazzy Star. I'm excited and a little confused about that. Really? Really. I want to find something drape-y and dark to wear.

Everything feels weird and sensitive and temporary. Like water. Wet feelings.
Behind the ears, still. I guess.

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