Sister Pico, Lola, Chantal, Perfect Little Daniel, Dr. Perez, Christopher and Charles and I all rented a house in the Catskills, in Narrowsburg, for the weekend. I ended up canceling the B0DYH1GH show tonight because it would have been too much of a hassle for me to get back and I'm also broke. I'm having the most fantastic time. We're eating a lot and making big fires in the fireplace and drinking and smoking and hanging out and watching "Dallas". There's been no internet in the house. We're in a cafe in town. We went to a distillery and I bought some fancy buckwheat whiskey (though I suppose it's not officially whiskey if it's buckwheat? I don't know the rules).
I've been in such a dark place this week, this month. This is good for me. To relax. Just laying around the house, nibbling, laughing at my friends' jokes. Wearing my eminently comfortable Eileen Fisher pants. I feel good. I want to bring this good-feeling back with me when i come home tomorrow night.
I'm sort of stressed out about some stuff in my life, but it's this thing of I don't know whether or not it's worth it to try to address it. I was hanging out with Erin and she said that as she gets older she has a better sense of what's worth it and what's not. In terms of how to spend your energy and which impulses are productive or not. My impulse is to Speak My Truth and Get Real, right now. But it might not be worth it? I don't want to complain. I don't want to talk about this anymore.
I'm tired of feeling bad. I'm tired of feeling tired. Maybe it's time (really) to get on meds. I don't know. I want to feel good and what makes me feel good is constantly changing.
I feel good now though. I feel okay. There's a tree-lighting ceremony in town tonight. I hope we watch more of "Dallas" and that I can catch up. I want to make more stuff. I want to suffer less? Whatever. The heartbreaking and fucked up part is that it hinges, at least a little, on me standing up for myself. Okay. Enough of this. Battletalk.
One thing I'm excited about is going home to California for Christmas and seeing my homegirl Cotton. The slippery thing of there being something no one can take away form you is that some people want to take stuff away form you. Some people are out to get you. This is natural. Let's not stay there.
I'm feeling a little foggy. I want to go explore the town a little bit more. I feel good. That's not me screwing up my courage. I'm relaxed. So, just putting a little pin in this to remember this moment.