Twenty Fourteen

- Red underpants for good luck on New Year's Day. Maybe, I think, I've had enough fun. Maybe the people who want me taken down a couple notches are right. I'm not making it up. This dude fucking hates me and tried to ruin my life because his boyfriend cheated on him (years ago, they've since broken up) with a guy I knew. I didn't do anything, I just got blamed. A friend of mine would like me to be more humble. Would like me to appreciate how easy I've had it, would like to see me suffer, but doesn't realize it. I'm wearing my talismans.

- Last night I went to a charming house party for the midnight moment. Melissa Etheridge was on TV. I felt very good for her. I wondered, what was that phone call like? "Melissa, we need you for New Year's Eve." My friends and I were talking about how 2013 was not so great. To me, it was one indignity after another. A lot of fantastic things happened too, to be sure, but I'm ready to move on.

- I'm so blue. I hope this year will be better.

- I heard Sugarland was closing. That last night was their last night. You know I met JohnJoseph and Erin Markey because we all used to work there when they opened. In 2007? Kind of sad to see it go, even though I never go to Sugarland anymore. Maybe twice a year. Whenever I do, I get hit on a lot, it's weird. Hamm Sandwich put me on her list but they didn't even check at the door, Merry Cherry just let me in, which was sweet. Finally, I feel like, I've made it. I had to check my coat and my bag separately, which was $10. The place was full of drag queens. Bushwick queens, in sloppy scary fright make-up, with boxer short boyfriends (butch bottoms). I saw Hamm upstairs and asked about the bar closing. She said no one was mentioning it, but she spray painted "RIP" during her performance. She said that since she's become a monster, since becoming a drag queen, she's found that she likes being a monster. I tried to tell her, over the din of the music, that it's okay to be a monster. Lucifer was a monster. And he turned out fine. She couldn't hear me. I stood on the dance floor and listened to pop song remixed as boys came over to tell me how much they liked my t-shirt. At one point (this has happened a few times) I had two different guys trying to chat me up at the same time and getting kind of miffed at one another. They should just hook up with themselves. I waited in a very long bathroom line, and then when I got in I peed and stared at my face in the mirror, looking at all the wrinkles, which seem to be getting deeper.

- One day you wake up and the world is different. The world is new. Life is full of endless opportunities, rich with potential, buzzing with excitement, but you are the same.

- I'm watching everyone become the things they were meant to become, and I am becoming the thing I was meant to become, which is nothing. It hurts. I wonder if I should delete this blog, leave New York. Give up. I'm worried that there's no actual giving up, though. That I can't give up enough. I bet I sound like a crazy person.

- Last Thanksgiving, two Thanksgivings ago, a friend was telling about how they met someone, a younger gay dude, at a party we were all at, and the gay dude (who didn't say anything to me about it) told my friend how he had read this blog before coming to New York, how he liked it. My friend was trying to make me feel good, they said: "It was a moment, you know?" It certainly didn't feel like a moment. Is it possible to have peaked without knowing it. It's entirely possible that my only chance for geting something right, for sticking to something that works, that I've missed the boat.

- I was telling my friend Ryan that I've been to so many great New Years' parties, I think the best is behind me.

- Today I'm tidying up. My resolution for 2014 is to really, truly, giving-away-books, clean my room.

- I haven't had sex in a very long time. Probably the longest I've ever gone since becoming sexually active? I haven't gone on a date or kissed anyone in a very, very long time. It does not seem like I should be embarrassed by this. I wouldn't say I'm asexual, I would say I'm not a person. Not a thing to fuck. Not a thing to date. Not a thing to have feelings about.

- A nice photographer put up a bunch of photos of fun memories from that bar, Sugarland. I was in one of them. Not from when I was a go-go boy, just from when I was going there to hang out. It was me, must have been five or six years ago, with another boy. A guy whose name escapes me, and I feel bad about that. We met on a dating website that no longer exists. I remember he was nice, but sort of boring, and he wouldn't put out. We would make out and he would say he wanted to sleep over and have sex, and then we'd get into bed and he'd want to be naked but then decided not to have sex. Which was and is totally okay obviously, great even, but he had this thing about saying that if he had sex with me I wouldn't respect him. I kept trying to convince him, to prove that wasn't true or something. But we never had sex. I remember this guy (but not his name) because a friend of mine saw me on a date with him and told me how much he resented me for getting to go out with twinks. It was awful.

- But no. Tell me about you. Tell me what you've been working on. Tell me how you've been. How do you feel now. What's different. Whenever I'm interviewing someone, for any topic, really, I always make sure to ask some variation of this question, because it's the only one I care about: what's something you believe that you didn't believe before?

- I would like very much to be convinced.

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