Thick Days

Ways of taking care of yourself. There are so many ways to take care of yourself. I called in sick from work today. My throat hurts and my sinuses are congested. I don't know if I have an infection, really, or if I'm just exhausted, run-down. Is there a difference? I'm making sausage and peppers from the Silver Palate cookbook like my mom did. Only now I make it with vegetarian sausage. ("A printed recipe may seem superfluous to those who throw such simmered sauce together on the spur of the moment. We think balance and harmony are as important here as anywhere else;").

There are so many ways of being sick, too. I played some great shows this month, I sort of figured I would get sick. B0DYH1GH played a bunch in anticipation of our new mythtape Lilded Gilly. Wrote some new songs, played a set at Strange Loop Gallery which was a lot of fun:

Photo by Ben Rosenberg

Then the next night we played Chris Tyler's TRL: TOTAL REJECTS LIVE event at the Public Theater, as part of the Under the Radar, American Realness, Prototype and COIL Festivals. So many cooks in the kitchen! It was a very special and overwhelmingly gorgeous night, we played a cover of Britney Spears' "Not a girl, not yet a woman" and made it turn into Placebo's "Pür Mourning". It was cute. I wore brown lipstick and a sparkly dress:

Photo by Tinker Coalescing.

The night after that I hosted a FAG CITY reading at Earl's Pussy Faggot party, featuring readings by Tommy Pico and Caroline Contillo and David Geer. They all fucking KILLED it, and lots of folks came up to me to complement me on the line-up, I felt very proud. I read the first story form the new issue of Scorcher, which I'm editing and want to release this month or next. The rest of PF was obviously fantastic too.

The next weekend I had the work-in-progress performances for my residency project at BAX, a new cabaret show titled MAPPLETHORPE. I'm really excited about it, but I'm nervous I won't be able to really promote it. There's no reason to be afraid of that. I don't know what my problem is. The performances went way better than I expected. I'm really excited by making this work, so that's why I'm nervous about people seeing it. It's like, pathetic, and funny, and sad. And I'm singing a lot. Like really going for it. We'll see.

Amidst the WIP performances, I had the distinct honor of reading as part of Triple Canopy's annual Making of Americans marathon performance. I had been complaining on social media for a few weeks about how I really wanted to be part of it, and then nothing happened. I found out it was the same weekend as the BAX shows, so I thought maybe it was for the best if they didn't invite me, since I wouldn't have much free time. But then they did invite me, after all, and I got to read bright and early on Sunday morning:

I was so happy to get to do it. Here's the thing: I totally bombed. It was actually really hard. Have you ever read The Making of Americans? It's really fucking hard. I've performed a lot, I've gone on my share of auditions and had to read things cold (that's showbiz for "never having read the material aloud before"), I sort of like to think I know what I'm doing. I wasn't trying to do a shtick or character, but I was trying to remember how Gertrude Stein's sentences are really long and complicated, and I thought I could do it, but I couldn't. I got caught in some loops, I think, I fucked up a lot. A lot a lot. I'm not sorry, the people were very gracious. I'll know better next time. It was still an honor and a treat.

I played at Sugarland on Friday night. It really is closing, I guess. David John Sokolowski's right-on blacklight party SWOON happened there one last time and they graciously let me sing a few songs. I had a lot of fun, especially because my old friend Julia Norton aka Ewok Vixen aka Jiddy No-No aka Jiddy No-No-No backup danced for me! And so many friends came. It was like old times sake. So many cool new kids go to David's events, it's really funny to meet people in New York who just moved here or aren't used to seeing you do your tired old act. It's enervating. Made some friends, and lots of other friends came too.

Kid of spent the rest of the weekend recovering. I went to some cool art shows but I'll write about those later.

The snow is so demoralizing. My recipe called for wine, so I had to go buy a tiny carton of red wine. And now I'm going to drink the part I didn't need to cook with. Is it fucked up to drink red wine, during the day, when you're sick? No, right? This is what Europeans do when they're sick. They must do it. I have a rehearsal in the BAX studio tonight, I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I ripped my skin off with an italia cloth last night, I wonder if it's bad for you. It had never occurred to me. Maybe too much exfoliation isn't such a good thing. In principle though it's always good.

I'm worried, right now, about being sick (here's what I'm worried about) and money! I owe money in taxes again this year, like I always do. I'm trying to track my spending better. I don't know where it goes, it's so weird. I need to prioritize saving. I want to buy a new pair of designer pants but I can't really justify the expense. Yet. I'm trying to make these $30 of groceries turn into one huge dish that I can hopefully eat all week. Today is my little brother's birthday. He's 27. No one in my family is a kid anymore, not even the dog.

The snow is sort of pretty, I'll admit after a sip of wine. You know, I'm thinking a lot lately, last night and this morning, about how some things can be both so ugly and so pretty at the same time.

And we're back. I MEANT TO ANNOUNCE, some things are back. I kind of creeped out my friends the other week when we were drinking and smoking: I meant to tell you that I got my mojo back. I think I'm getting it back. It just sucked being without it for so long. I'm going to eat lunch then take a nap then go make my art for a little while. And feel exhausted and uncomfortable for the snow and being sick. But I'm still actually pretty optimistic, overall. That there are lots; any number of options available, right now. And in the very near future.

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