Been thinking, for the new show, about the difference between "Failure" as a practice, a kind of trendy concept and disappointment. I don't fault failure, but I was talking to someone about the new thing I'm making, about being (intentionally) bad music, that I am a bad singer, and they responded that I'm not horrible. It was as if to say that, if I'm trying to be horrible, I should actually push it further into being really awful. I realized though that right now what feels more accurate and more beautiful and more interesting to me, what I'm more curious about is when failure is not an epic catastrophe. I'm not interested in the rupture, the utopia, the explosion of failure, surrender, catharsis. What feels truer is the running list of all the minute, half-conscious acts, the hunches, bad habits, the tiny ways we betray ourselves every day. In terms of singing, I'm less interested in being spectacularly awful and I'm much more interested in being almost, but definitely not quite enough. To be within sight of the goal, to feel that the thing you want to be possible, and to simply not measure up. That's the kind of feeling I want to convey, in my singing. Cuz that's actually where most of us live, right? Most of the time. But you know, I still like big productions too. I was gonna say "I like drama" but I don't know if I do.
I've been suppressing the drama of my life. I've been holding it back and losing interest in discovering it.
FOR EXAMPLE: sometimes you think someone is your enemy, and they're not. That freaks a girl out, because surely the inverse must also be true, right? That sometimes you think someone is your friend, and they turn out to be your enemy. I guess. ANOTHER EXAMPLE of the endless hidden drama: my shrink was talking to me about love. I was talking, mostly. I said that I don’t think people can know each other for a long time and then suddenly fall in love. I said I think you know with someone, right away or pretty much right away. I think that can happen, sure, but it’s probably very rare, statistically impossible. Homeopathic. And my shrink said it’s probably less rare than I think. Which was interesting, and then again of course the inverse is true too right. All versions, permutations of the True Thing are also True Too.
I want to go to a bamboo forest.
Like MAINTAINING THE FANTASY OF LEISURE
It's like if I don't hear someone complain about their job, or if I don't hear someone (in the course of getting to know them) complain about the constant hustle, the struggle, about constantly being broke then I just assume that they're a trust-fund kid. That their parents or their boyfriend or their girlfriend or their whatever-- that someone else is picking up the tab.
Even people who do complain. Sometimes trust fund kids complain so that you won't suspect them of secretly being rich. Of secretly being able to afford the soda they ask you for a dollar to help pay for.
It's like anal douching. Unless you talk about it we have to assume it's not happening, it's not a thing. But then of course some people talk about it instead of knowing about it. I was in a group of gay guys last year, at a party, I kind of got caught in this weird sort of bro-y conversation about douching; "Did you douche, first, dude?" "Naw man, it wasn't like a thing." "Dude, no way." "No I mean I didn't know, I didn't have time." It was so weird. But of course just weird because I'm not used to this kind of conversation.
It's like Courtney Love. You have to act like you're a huge fan but then if you meet her in New York you have to act like she's just another charming older lady with nice clothes and a bar tab. It's ironic. The entire point of Courtney Love is that you don't have to be put together, that it's okay to be fucked up. The band was called HOLE it's okay to have a hole, right?
Been so obsessed with Nic Endo's album Cold Metal Perfection recently. It's like, techno, sort of? But it's also free jazz? And ambient? And digital hardcore? It's really subtle and calm and stylish. I love Nic Endo. I remember reading interviews with her where she talked about how it was just easier to wear black all the time because then she could just wear it regardless of where she was, Berlin, London, New York, wherever. How convenient!
Speaking of black, the BLACK COMME des GARÇONS S/S 2014 collection is arriving and some wonderful soul put the lookbook online:
Obviously I'm totally obsessed. I want everything. I really want one of those long coats. Either a full-length moto jacket or a full-length bomber jacket. I don't know if they're warm though. What I do actually need is to replace my drop crotch pants, but I want to wear the pair I have until they literally, actually fall apart. I want all of this. I'm gonna stop by after work before Analysis to cruise it and then go to some galleries. I want to see the new Collier Schorr exhibit, and then some other stuff too I guess.