I feel uncontrollably angry. I feel rage! It's energetic. I feel chaotic. I meditated this morning, my good-boy ten minutes. I wish, thinking back on it now, that I had spent that same ten minutes furiously masturbating, punching a pillow, or chainsmoking.
What's the point of being more present in your life if your life feels hopeless? This is my thing with the whole branding thing: what if you do the work of branding, of finding out who you are, and you find out you're a shitty person?
I've been having this struggle lately-- I feel like nobody wants to be my friend. And it's because I don't want to be my friend. I don't fundamentally feel like I deserve happiness and love and respect, and so I don't demand it. And I mistake flattery for love and I mistake resentment for respect. But it comes from me-- nobody wants to find out more about me because I don't want to find out more about me. I don't want to be me.
This is the school of acting that I subscribe to: it's not about putting on a mask to become a character, it's about taking off the masks you already wear until you find something that resonates with the character.
I have to think, statistically, I'm not such a fantastically awful person. But where is the proof of that. Where is the hopeful indication. Probably all around. Probably I'm just too freaked out to notice it. Do I sound bratty? Where's my parade. Feeling very much as if I am not good. I'm no one's favorite person. I am not anyone's "type". Nothing I could think of or say or do-- nobody is waiting on me to say it. I'm not fishing for compliments here, I don't want to be contradicted. I want to find out if this is really what my life is like, and therefore must be what everyone's life is like, and how come everyone else can sort of grapple with this and I can't? Is everyone fooling themselves? It seems like.
SO many people think they're so interesting. Get on my level, guys. YES, she had a rough day. She's had a lot of people lately (it feels like) tell her how awful and lacking she is. And she needs some people to be nice to her, to help her, to support her. But she doesn't know how to ask.
I would like it very much, the romantic comedy version. I would enjoy tremendously, the discotheque finale. The happy ending. I'd like very much for some knitted eyebrows to swoop in and save the day. To be nothing more substantial, for the answer to be no bigger than a couple fistfuls of flesh. Wouldn't. That. Be. Fucking. Great.
I'd much prefer it to be a thing that can be fixed by me just saying I love you, I love you, I love you but I don't know... It's weird. There're a couple guys in my life who it seems like, they just want to hang out with me every couple months to have me tell them how cute I think they are. How attracted to them I am. And I do this, happily. It sort of turns me on to be affectionate, it certainly, I think (and tell them) doesn't cost me anything. But the thing is, they never say it back to me. They don't actually like me, or they're not attracted to me. Or they just don't want me to know? I think, that's fine, I don't need that. But you know what I'm actually not a super self-confident person and I definitely don't think or know that I'm attractive, like actually, and I do need that.
I have three goals I set with my Analyst last week:
- Cry. Learn to cry, somehow.
- Get a boyfriend or at least start working towards more romantic relationships and romantic love in my life.
- Restructure my life in such a way that my workload and daily responsibilities don't make me so suicidal.
So, thinking about these guys in my life where I'm called on to just say I love you, I am attracted to you, You're my type, I think about you all the time. It makes me want to cry. But I can't. The funny thing is, these guys, they kind of look exactly the same. I have a type. I'll admit it. I want to be some body else's type.