Such a Lazer Beam

Last weekend I did the "You Like Me" show of people performing famous American acceptance speeches. I performed Fiona Apple's speech from the VMAs. I think I did a pretty good job. I like acting. I like being an actor. It's so straightforward, in a way. The show was full of luminaries including Erin Markey, Molly Pope, Justin Vivian Bond, Perez Hilton, Michael Schulman, Rachel Shukert, Mike Albo... it goes on and on. I've wanted to do this show forever and so I was really vindicated to be asked. It was also at Ars Nova, which is pretty fancy. I noticed, leaving the theater after rehearsal, the condos along 54th Street. The plants in the windows. It reminded me of the ones my grandmother used to have. Like Bubby's. In a lot of the windows. These weird cacti with leaves. It made me miss her so much. I thought: lots of old people must live in these apartments, because these plants take a long time to grow.

I got really drunk in between the first and second shows. I think I kind of ran my mouth off a bit. It's because I'm actually kind of shy; I'm worried people won't like me, so I get nervous. And then sometimes I get drunk and just start trying to be as funny and charming as possible to get people to like me. It does not work, usually.

I got a text from a friend in the middle of the night last night that they went home to their parents' house and got high with their mom for the first time. But Mom thought it didn't work. I thought that was so sweet, to get in the middle of the night.

Last night, a different friend of mine showed me their list. They have a list, in their phone, of people who should stop, people who must be stopped. I was worried I'd be on the list. I wasn't on the list. There were some names I recognized and thought at the time "Yeah, I agree. That makes sense." but I can't remember them.

Last night I went to the opening of the Whitney Biennial. There's so much great work there. So many names that I remember seeing, and the work-- seeing it, and thinking "Yeah, I agree. That makes sense." but I can't remember them.

Downstairs at the Whitney, in the cocktail lounge, boy genius art star Travis was wearing very cute black colored textures, shorts over tights, and smoking an e-cigarette. I didn't know you could smoke those indoors, in a museum. But I guess you can do whatever you want. He had a whole pack of e-cigarettes. I took one and Christa, who was there, with a partially shaved head and a gorgeous black dress, took another one, and we e-smoked in the lobby, the lounge.

There was a DJ playing 60s psych rock. It was weird; he was dressed sort of like a Mod. It's not that I don't like that kind of music, I do-- doesn't everyone?-- but I just wasn't in the mood to hear it right then. Nobody was. Nobody was feeling the music.

Tonight I went to the Brucennial, the last one, and I saw Julia Norton's new painting and I saw a video Penny Arcade made about Jack Smith. I love them, those ladies. I wish I had seen both of them at the same time to introduce them to each other!

If you had told me, when I was 14, I would not have believed you. When I saw Penny Arcade perform at the first Ladyfest, in Olympia Washington, and I saw her really fuck everything up. I mean she made that crowded place go NUTS. People were furious! And happy! And everything in between, but mostly at the edges. If you had told me that some day I'd get to meet Penny, get to tell her how much her work meant to me, I would not have believed you. If you had told me that some day I'd go to an art opening and just casually shoot the shit with her while she showed me her video installation, I'd have thought you were lying. That she'd ask "Do you think they should put speakers for the video? It's too quiet." and then borrow my phone to call the person to come bring the speakers, I would not have believed you. I can barely believe it myself.

Then tonight I went to Analysis. Then I went to Aaron Tilford's new party "Lover" at the Monster. It's a soft-rock happy hour with $5 Tequila Sunrises and lots of Carly Simon. I almost didn't believe him, but it's real. It's kind of too good to be true? It's early, it's monthly, and it's free. It's my new favorite thing. He said he might have performances and I want to do a soft-rock song.

I want to perform a lot again right now. I think it's because I'm really angry and I have a lot of questions, I'm really confused. There's some stuff I still don't get and I'm trying to figure it out.

If you had told me when I was 15 that some day I'd go years and years without crying, that I would waste a lot of my life worrying, that I'd be so angry about so much, I would not have believed you.

Last night, a different friend described someone to me this way: "Oh, he's such a lazer beam. You know? When he's focused he's like--" my friend made a lazer beam gesture with his hand. I totally understood what he meant.

No comments: