Cardinal Cross

So as you maybe know, April was supposedly going to be a difficult month, with the Cardinal Cross and all. I read all the forecasts (and wrote one myself) but took everything with a grain of salt. Change is constant and inevitable and I figured everything will be okay.

I'm more than a little terrified about my show this weekend. That's the number one drama for me. I thought I was deflecting all my fear about it onto everything else. And I probably was to an extent, but there's been a lot of upheaval as well.

I thought I had my footing two weeks ago, at the first eclipse. But then I did a show and on my way home I twisted my ankle real badly. It was weird. I hadn't done that since I was a kid. It was hard to walk; I couldn't go to the gym. Soon after that, just when I got the knack of the arnica, tiger balm, ankle brace routine, I got sick. I had a pretty painful and very disgusting and disfiguring infection on my face. It hurt a lot. The doctor gave me a topical antibiotic, and it did not work. My lymph nodes were so swollen I couldn't sleep. The infection spread. I got an oral antibiotic and it sort of started to work, eventually. During this period I did a reading and had a performance and hosted a party. All ostensibly to promote MAPPLETHORPE. All were excruciatingly awkward and uncomfortable, socially and physically. I couldn't drink alcohol. I refused to cancel anything-- they were great shows, but it was rough.

I wore my fancy CdG BLACK pants out on Friday night. On my way home on the G train, I sat in gum. Freshly chewed, likely Orbitz bubblemint, gum. On my black wool fancy pants. SO now these pants have been:
- Ripped by the zipper and repaired (at great expense) by a "couture" dry cleaner who was kind of a total scam.
- Eaten by moths. (A second dry cleaner wouldn't even bother with repairing them).
- Stained by oil paint (I sat down in an art studio and got grey oil paint on the pants. I "fixed" it by coloring over the stain, once it dried, in a black Sharpie marker).
- And now, stained with bubblegum. I froze it, I scraped it, I did the peanut butter thing. A woeful waste of peanut butter if you ask me. It sort of worked, not really. They're crusty and stained and I have them stashed in the freezer.

Time to replace them. Except oh no-- I'm broke! How'd that happen? Well, I had been saving up to replace them for about a month, but then my turntable broke and I replaced that, and as it turns out I couldn't save quite at the rate I was trying to. So I've had to put my CdG savings back to my checking account just so that the check to my shrink would clear. I've been eating groceries and buying everything else with my credit card until I get paid.

I normally don't smoke during the week but this week I am letting myself smoke. Rehearsals are coming along well, I feel good about the show. And mortified, but solid in my choices. Last night, I got to bed at a reasonable hour, but was awoken by a blinding pain on my toe. I got bit by a mosquito on my toe. I thought it was maybe a spider. I used to be allergic to spider bites. It itched a lot but it also hurt a LOT. I got an ice pack to tie to my foot, I put on cortisone cream. I eventually passed out and kept waking up fitfully.

I begin tech tomorrow night. This was my last free night to go to the gym, to cook dinner, to get ready, to relax. But this morning, I got some news about a change in my domestic situation happening basically right now. I do not have a free second to think about it until Sunday night, which is not good, friends. I spent all day today trying not to hyperventilate, and trying to reassure myself that everything would work out okay. I got a haircut and I went to the gym, and I bought groceries (on my credit card). I washed the shirt I want to wear onstage and I hope I can get it wrinkle-free by then, or I'll have to buy a new one. I came home and I dyed my hair. While I was waiting for the dye to set, I tried to pack up the suit I want to wear. I went to get a paper bag from underneath our kitchen sink, and noticed they were wet. The drain pipe underneath the kitchen sink was leaking. I thought it was the washer, but in fact the pipe itself is rusted through and has a gaping hole. I put a bucket underneath the sink and called the maintenance cleaning guy as well as the super. At least the maintenance guy will come by tomorrow morning, but we'll likely need a plumber as well. I have an important meeting at work tomorrow so I can't stay home all day, but I guess I'm going to stay home in the morning and, I don't know. Not make coffee. Meditate. Chainsmoke out the windows.

I washed the dye out of my hair. My face is healing, but I think I'm going to have permanent scars. Just how bad remains to be seen. I did my insane moisturizing routine. I did my Vitamin E oil thing. I tried to visualize how I was going to, at 10pm, start making dinner. Could I rinse and assemble a salad using the bathtub faucet? I decided to treat myself to a burrito.

Tomorrow night I start tech for MAPPLETHORPE. I feel crazy and out of control and yet certain that I can handle this because I pretty much have to. I feel like I can do it. I don't know that I can do it, I just sort of feel that way, I guess.

I'm the one. You don't have to look any further. I'm the one. I'm here. Right here. For you. 

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