4/23/14



Today would have been S' birthday. He would have been 28 years old but he died (three?) years ago. We went out on a date. I don't remember why, I think he might have asked me out. I met him at the EastVillageBoys party at the Hose. I was recently cleaning my room and I found the flyer for it this weekend, actually. And I remember he had a necklace made of one of his molars, one of his wisdom teeth. Let me back up-- he was go-go dancing, and I was introducing the performer that night (Gio Black Peter). The EVB guys led me to the back of the Hose, to the store-room, where the go-go boys were. They had them in the back room with all the bottles of vodka. That seemed like a bad idea. I was dressed because I wasn't go-go dancing, but I was just hanging out back there for a minute, and S came over to me and introduced himself and asked if I was Max. He had that necklace of one of his wisdom teeth, all wrapped in gold wire. We talked about teeth-- I had just gotten mine taken out but was dismayed that they wouldn't let me keep it. I introduced Gio's performance, and I don't remember it, but apparently I was drunk and messy. I don't know when S asked me out but probably around then. God how old was he, then. 23. That was five years ago. And I was 24.

I remember we went out on a date to see a movie at Kips Bay. He told me he was a go-go boy sometimes, for other places too. He was maybe still in school? He did something with math, some high-level intellectual weird thing. No-- he worked at a start-up but he worked from home. Doing something in computers that I didn't understand. I think we saw either a horror movie or a superhero movie. I think he chose it. We went out afterward to a kind of insanely bad and loud restaurant in Murray Hill. But he was really cute and really charming and we talked about eating food and how, I was eating tortilla chips, those chips' molecules were becoming part of me, and the burger he was eating was becoming part of him.

He and I went out a few times. One time I brought him home with me and we had sex at night, and it was great. And then in the morning we sort of tried to have sex but didn't, really, try, and gave up. And that was disappointing. He lived in a very fancy expensive building, which no one I would ever know could afford, but he lived in a three bedroom with I think 8 or 9 other people. That was how they made it work. So he had a room mate for his bed. I remember coming home with him and making out and going to third base while his room mate slept on the mattress. Eventually he got up and left. It was awkward, but S told me that it was okay because sometimes he and his room mate had sex. I don't remember where we ended up the first night we went out but I remember him saying "I'm so glad you ate those tortilla chips and now they're a part of you."

S was very smart and very sweet and very weird. He would sometimes be at parties or shows and would be very calm and sweet and attractive and kind of mysterious. Once he was at a party I performed at, and I think he liked the lyrics to one of my songs (he tweeted them during the show). As I got offstage, (we had stopped dating by this point) he told me he loved me. I said that's probably not true but very sweet. He said no, no he did. I said you just think you do. He said I don't know. It was actually really really sweet.

I remember on two different occasions, being out at bars or parties with him and introducing him to other friends of mine, who immediately fell in love with S. I was a little jealous, both times. He was that kind of guy, he was really intense looking and funny and cute and made a very strong impression. I remember he went by his first and middle names, because his first and last name was also the name of a recently convicted killer who had gotten a lot of news coverage. I know he had gotten a boyfriend at some point, and they were very much and intensely in love, and I think lived together. Then I think they broke up? I'm not sure, we hadn't been in touch in a while. And then I was in touch with him and asked him how he was, online, and he said that he had tried to kill himself. He had jumped off of a building but had kind of miraculously survived, and was recovering at a hospital in NY before going to stay with friends in the midwest. He asked me to come visit him and I said that I would, and then he asked me to bring him weed, and I said I don't know about that. I felt uncomfortable and I didn't go visit him and I regret it and I don't know why I didn't. I'd visited other people in the hospital many times. When I was in the hospital, I really enjoyed being visited. I think it was the suicide thing. I think it was the scale of the thing. I made excuses, he was very nice. He went to the midwest to recover. He said no matter what happens, he wanted me to know that I was really cool, even if I was a little bit selfish. I later found out that in the ensuing months he had attempted suicide again and died. Today would have been his 28th birthday. I wonder, how to celebrate? I might eat some cake to celebrate his birthday, and then the cake will become part of me.

2 comments:

william davidson said...

This is very sweet and touching.

william davidson said...

This is very sweet and touching.