Full Moon and it sure is cold out. Happy New Year. I had fun. Too much fun. I threw caution to the wind and it ended up totally okay. Great even. But still a little bit too much. So I'm dialing it back just a teeny bit for the month of January. I'm toying with the idea of going on a cleanse or something later, where I give up all substances except for the ones my new doctor prescribed me. That seems kind of extreme though. It's just that I don't trust myself, my motives. Even my motives for being good.
When you're young, I mean really young, like younger than 24 or 25, when you're a teenager and when you're a kid and when you're a child, virtue is so clear-cut. There's the right thing and the wrong thing. Maybe I'm misremembering but when I was that age it seemed so much simpler. How humiliating. Reflecting.
As if it's a matter of being real, feeling it, paying attention. I feel like on one hand it's a big joke and on the other hand it's totally serious and real. How serious to take yourself. What's worth communicating. I wanted to quit, I still want to quit. I went home to California and had a pretty fantastic time. I was very relaxed. I think a lot about what I ought to be doing. It feels like I'm still avoiding the issue. I mean sure, a lot of things have happened. I don't know if I want to remember them or if dealing with them will help. Would anything? This used to be regular, I used to be a person. I did some shows. I was writing some stuff, I don't know anymore.
Was feeling quite sexy when I was in California. It's winter in New York now and I was writing to JJ that it's awful but it's kind of comforting. I mean, at least it's real. At least the winter, the cold, we can all admit it's really happening.
Feeling sad, listening to records. In California I got really into lots of prog rock and bad techno. I try to listen to music that no one else will listen to. I only shop out of the dollar bins. Not because I want to be into something by myself but because I want to see what no one else wants to listen to, what's been already heard. Is that really it?
Are you fake. Are you faking it.
I want to get it together.