Now we're obsessed. Now we love him. Now we know better. Now we see.

My laptop broke. I have to get the battery replaced, so I don't have a laptop for a few days. It's kind of nice. It's like being back before the internet, in a way. I have to read books and listen to records. My room mate Molly rightfully noted that I must love that. I do, in a way.

But I'm also relieved, or it seems like good timing to not be so online right now. Because things are not going very well. I feel like I've been abusing my access to the internet. I want to think that things like writing online and using social media can help me navigate my anxiety and loneliness, but they also sometimes seem to exacerbate it.

I guess there's just no relief. But the upside is I can't, for the time being, drive more people away since I can't be on twitter all the time.

I am in pain and I am trying to be patient but it hurts and I don't know why.

I am in this play at the Treehouse theater and no one I know has come to see it.



I went to the gym and my lock was missing. Again. I lost mylock, I left it there and it got stolen. It was golden and it said “Tuff Stuff” on it. I realized only after I had gotten changed and I had to leave. I bought a new lock today. It says “Master”.

I had been talking to first, but he’s too sweet. He’s young and cute and little and needy he talks a lot. Nice looking. Elfin, cherubic. I bet he whines. Maybe picky. I’d have to be careful.

I talk to second. Might be too much the other way. He’s smart, he’s nearer to my age. An intellectual. Too close probably. Social world or philosophically. He’d be just we’d be I might be just barely almost for him but probably not enough, so close but no cigar I’d be maybe silver, maybe bronze. Maybe copper. Nickel. Aluminium. Tin. He’d get pissed and destroy me, right.

I came home. I walked home from the city, for two hours. It’s going to snow tonight and soon I won’t be able to do that. I saw the fire burning on the waterfront, the hospital records up in flames for now 36 hours. Right next to an oil refinery. The fire fighters said it could take a week to put out the fire. Residents nearby are growing impatient.

Listening to Patti LaBelle. That thing of singing in church. Going to church as a kid. Being around singing as a kid. I feel so poor. I feel: I didn’t have that. I could have been Patti LaBelle but I didn’t have what she has. This is wrong of me to feel. I realize.

To find a perfect place.
But yet

To find a perfect place without taking it away from someone else. Without a colony.
An authentic home, an unclaimed identity.

To break and enter
To eat all their food
To turn up your nose at your booty.

To be a snob about
Being a shoplifter

To be fussy. To hold out
For the perfect one.
To wait. To lie in wait, to just lie.

I came home and hello hand wave from a perfect one. Taller than me and younger than me and cooler than me. I think maybe a model. Never going to happen but sweet of him.

Goldie Locks when she came home when no when the bears came home and discovered her

She didn’t get to keep what she found, she didn’t get
To move in. they killed her.
And rightfully so.

They ate her alive
in their living room.