I don't need an underground machine smashing atoms to tell me the way the universe is constructed. I don't need to know the details of the whole system to notice that time has stood still, backtracked, shifted directions and become a loop. A torus. Utterly flabbergasted. How is it that I can stay, as I am, in stasis. How is it that my heart can break over and over again and stay breaking and yet I don't know why. Why am I overcome with the urge to cry. Why am I unable to cry. What is wrong with me. Why am I in so much pain. What am I so upset about. What is it I want. I don't have any of these answers. Would I know it if I saw it. If was secretly okay, if I was secretly happy, if I was secretly strong, optimistic, resilient, present, not doomed-- wouldn't I have some indication? Wouldn't I have betrayed it to myself, at some point? At one or another of these points, days/weeks/months when I've backed myself into a corner, clawing out of a well. If I had it to give wouldn't I have given it? If I had something within myself, something solid, something "there" wouldn't I have recognized it? I'm fucking starving, I'm not withholding. The theory, the story is that not only do I deserve to suffer but it's all my fault anyway and I'm not even trying or not trying hard enough. No optimism. It's like it shouldn't be possible. At some point I should by rights hit the ground, change direction, stop, lose inertia.

It's like magick. Part of the reason I do feel cursed or something. I feel very certain that there is a cabal of people who are indeed out to get me.

That party photographer, for one, who makes a point of never photographing me.
Look: I don't even like having my photograph taken. But when you do a show and they take photos of literally everyone else who performed except you. You know?
It's not subtle.

And I don't blame them- I want you to know that I agree. Who else can I apologize to? I feel so wrong, so bad. As if I couldn't do enough to make up for it. I'm so miserable I feel weak.

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