Ocular migraine. Seeing spots.
My body's subtle revenge. Corpse sabotage. My eyes quitting. My body quitting.
Hot flashes of jealousy. anger. Where is my love and attention. Who can care for me. Why do I make myself so ugly. Why am I so eager to regret. I tried running into it and I stayed there. Why can't I be fascinating. Why can't I matter to myself. As if having an itch. As if made of dried wood. Feeling nervy and flammable.
I woke up and I said I wouldn't I did I regret it.
I want so badly. I am aching for it and I know I'm going to fuck it up, again, and again.