I spent so much time as a kid thinking about lazers.
At an art opening at a tiny gallery. Crowded room full of teenage (looking) girls. Feeling like I'd discovered an authentic, small, unmapped territory.
But then look at the gallery folder folder and all of the artists are teen Instagram stars with thick press clippings. I mean maybe I'm being uptight. It's like a dream: this is who SHOULD be in these magazines, teen girl artists. The ocean. Right? It's just a very shiny very bright very closed circle. Maybe it's a New York thing.
Overheard a woman at the gallery say "I hated my job, and then I quit and went to India, and when I was in India I got sick and it took me months to recover."
And why not. I mean.
The week filled with OVERwhelming anxiety.
Rolling torrents of thoughts, fears, worry. Nothing quells. It's insane.
Catch my breath.
What if my eclipse revelation was a sad one? One of dissatisfaction? One of regret? The terrible feeling. The being late for appointments.
I don't want to be a person who's uptight. Nor do I want to be a monster, insisting on some fabulous joy for myself, to force my will to power. In cute eccentric queer funny ways. I'm already doing it.
Hot flashes of incompetence, doubt and terror.
Let's be animals about it.
I miss someone.
I was so nervous but now I'm not.
Was it about being late?
Some kind of turmoil. I forget sometimes to worry.
Been accidentally breaking a lot of dishes.
The Eckhart Tolle summary of people who are angry really resonated with me:
“The more you are identified with your thinking, your likes and dislikes, judgments and interpretations, which is to say the less present you are as the watching consciousness, the stronger the emotional energy charge will be, whether you are aware of it or not. If you cannot feel your emotions, if you are cut off from them, you will eventually experience them on a purely physical level, as a physical problem or symptom. A great deal has been written about this in recent years, so we don't need to go into it here. A strong unconscious emotional pattern may even manifest as an external event that appears to just happen to you. For example, I have observed that people who carry a lot of anger inside without being aware of it and without expressing it are more likely to be attacked, verbally or even physically, by other angry people, and often for no apparent reason. They have a strong emanation of anger that certain people pick up subliminally and that triggers their own latent anger.“