Today was my target date to finish the blog.

This just snuck up on me. Maybe the deadline was more for me: to start another thing. To stop just writing for blogspot and move on.

This has been the way I've reached the most people though. And people still find things through it. So for now I'm gonna keep it online, as an archive. I reserve the right to come back, hide or repurpose any of this obviously.

I've been keeping online diaries since I was 15 or 16 years old. More than half my life. Ditto vegetarianism.

I started this blog in 2007, after an earlier one called WHIM JOB (essays). Maybe or maybe not this is the better name. In a perfect world this ending would matter, people would care. I would care.

I want to make a proper website for my work, and not just the blog.
So maybe that's next. Then write essays, try to get a book deal.

Unexpurgated. Like Anaïs Nin, one of my heroes. Though to be honest I always liked her edited versions. Maybe need to re-read those. Something about faking back into yourself.

I have so many plans! And I never follow through!

- Still, still working on a final issue of Scorcher.
- Two new long poem things.
- Whatever else.

I guess quitting the blog will give me more time to focus on those.

I will probably start a new blog and have it be more essays or something.

A sad creeping dread.
Confirmation of something I willfully forgot a long time ago.

But maybe I've mapped a lot of that out, right here, though.

I'm tough. I've been through a lot. I'm resilient.

You can learn from my mistakes. Remember when I took a long break from blogging because I was so sad, because I felt like I was getting teased and bullied online. And offline. By my own self.

A journal, from me, wasn't necessary. I showed some people a fantasy. Pivot away.

Nothing's done and nothing's solved. I kept hurting myself. I wake up my room mates with my cough.

This blog, yes, and this apartment I've been in for 11 years, yes.
I'm so constant. Stubborn? Lazy?

Remember when I posted about quitting my job to get part time work and focus on being an artist. This was after all the tooth drama had resolved. That would have been in 2010. And so many nice people wrote to me to congratulate me. And then I went right back to full time work.
I've made a lot of bad decisions.

There's no summary. I want to get hired to write a memoir of my 20s (essentially this blog) but in a nicer way. You know?

Remember the last ECLIPSE I wrote about: my tooth broke at NYU and the next day I performed at the New Museum. I often forget that I did that show with a broken tooth. I was working as a receptionist then.

I had some disappointments, some setbacks. I handled them poorly.
I also did a lot of really difficult stuff and I also let people be really nasty to me because I thought I was supposed to. I miss so many people.

I used to feel like I had so many friends. In many ways, I blew it.

I got off track and I thought this blog was the track, would get me back on it, but that didn't work or happen or something. I'm re-learning this. I'm not where I thought I wanted to be. But in other ways beyond where I'd ever hoped to imagine going. It's so funny.

I thought I needed Billy so I made him and became him and then...
I wanted to be something else, approaching me-ish.

Anyways. Thanks for everything and see you around.


spcedog said...

wow just saw this. i've always enjoyed your posts when i caught them. you are a great writer and i hope you continue!

keepmoving said...

I will miss this. Keep writing pls.

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